It some ways, it’s hard to believe, but my beloved died six months ago today. Sometimes, it feels like he has been gone a few days. Other times, it feels like he has been gone for years. No matter how it feels from day-to-day, my heart still aches for my amazing friend and the loss of our daily love.
Six months later, I can still hear his purr. I can still feel his body on my chest and in my lap. When I settle in for the night, I can easily remember the feel of his body against the back of my leg. Most of all, six months later I still wish I could hold him whenever things aren’t going the way I wish.
As I wrote after his death, Mr. Rogers was my animal soulmate. Whenever I was sad or upset, he was always there. When I didn’t feel good he stayed with me almost all the time until I felt better.
Because of everything he meant to me, I will always question my decision to let him go. I will always wonder if I did the right thing for him. At least I know my actions weren’t selfish, the last thing I wanted was to let him go. But I did what seemed right at the time. Sometimes, that’s enough for me. Other times, my heart races when I wonder if he was ready to go.
I know he was no longer himself. I know he wasn’t going to be able to go outside any longer. I know he wasn’t going to recover. I know he was going to keep getting worse. But I also know our lives were so intertwined that it doesn’t seem right for us not being together.
But the way lifespans work, it was almost always going to wind up with me figuring out a life that didn’t include my little buddy. Even though I knew that the day I officially adopted him, there was no way to prepare for his loss. Sometimes, it feels like I will never be accepting of his loss or comfortable with the idea of his being gone. But all I can do now is remember the good times we had and think of all he did for me.
Our time together (less than four years) would have never been long enough. But when I think about the people who still miss him, especially the little girl who came looking for him wearing her cat shirt after she had been gone for a year, I know I was profoundly lucky to have been chosen by such an incredible, loving animal as his person. Being Mr. Rogers’s person is one of the greatest honors of my life. Until the day I die, I will forever be grateful for all my little buddy game me and everything he will continue giving me.
As your ashes rest in the window you loved looking out, I hope you are resting in peace and that you understand my choice was to end your suffering before it became unbearable.
You did what was right. We had to do the same thing to a beloved kitty we’ve had in our family for almost 20 years. We miss Oliver every day. But, and this is a BIG but, I believe they come back when we need them. Mr. Rogers will most certainly be back, just as I know Oliver will return. When you least suspect it, he’ll be there for you. Sending tons of love and light!